I'm the Pink Friend Now

I went in for my final expansion today. In the lobby of the doctor's office, I met a woman that had just been diagnosed with the Big C last week. She was there for her initial reconstructive surgery consultation.

I overheard her coordinating surgery schedules with her breast surgeon and felt an overwhelming desire to connect with her. So hoping to not sound intrusive, I told her that I had the same surgical team and that she was in good hands. She immediately asked if she could call me. I told her of course. She then said, "Can I call you today?"

It reminded me of when I reached out to Karin and Lara. I didn't know them but I knew I needed them.

My new friend and I spoke this afternoon for about a half hour. She didn't have any survivor resources...until now. Now, I'm HER "Pink Line" and it really feels good to give back.

So I'm sending a special prayer to Susan. May God heal you and be with you as you begin your journey and may He help me to be a resourceful Pink friend to you!

The Dust Has Settled...Right?

Pain is no longer the first thing I think about when I wake up. Just a few day ago, I woke up and exclaimed to my husband, "John! I slept on my side. And, it didn't hurt!" This was a big victory for me and I'm so happy to finally get a full night's rest - comfortably.

Work is keeping me busy. I was promoted to Director just before my diagnosis. And now, back on my feet, I am able to lead my team more effectively. I'm making up for lost time and exited about it.

The kids are the one area that we never stumbled. They remain on track and came away from the experiences of the Big C with a greater awareness of life's blessings (and a fast track course on breasts.) My nine year old told me the other day, "I think you look good now. I don't think you need any more expansions. You don't want to be too big." He followed up with, "Mom, I guess I know more about breasts than most nine year olds, don't I?" Yes son, you do. My daughter recently asked me if she will get cancer. Tearfully I could only say that, "Mommy had tests done that show you don't have anything in you that will make you get cancer but only God really knows your plan."

Which leads me to something I'm still struggling with...

WHY?

I have no genetic markers. I have no elevated risk factors. The type of tumors I had are typically found in post-menopausal women that are not white...what was it? And will it return?

I finally saw my radiology oncologist yesterday. I had cancelled twice. I know...bad! I was afraid that I would end up with news I didn't want to hear. After months and months of bad news, you start to feel like "what's next?" But I also haven't been to Hopkins since December and I wasn't looking forward to being reminded that I've had the big C.

So I went. The doctor confirmed that I will not have radiation right now. In his words, "Your case has some grey areas regarding reoccurrence. You are under 40. Your disease was multi-folcal. And your margins were very close - less than 1 mm. We won't deny you radiation but we feel the risks of secondary cancers outweigh the benefits. So we are biased to not do radiation." It didn't feel that great even though it was good news. I got in the car and blasted the radio to Jeremy Camp's "Walk by Faith." Let go...trust your journey, Holly!

Just Be A Child

"Just be a child. A child never questions plans. It accepts gladly....Do not plan ahead, the way will unfold step by step. Leave tomorrow's burden. Christ is the great Burden-bearer You cannot bear his load and he only expects you to carry a little day-share...Hope on. Hope gladly. Hope with certainty. Be calm in my power...Life with me is not immunity from difficulties, but peace in difficulties...Joy is the result of faithful trusting acceptance of my will, when it seems not joyous."

- God Calling; A Devotional Diary (AJ Russell)

 I needed these words this morning. I've been plagued by a stressful week. Busy at work. Bust at home. Restless nights. Unable to ground myself in calm. Trying to take deep breathes between my next of many tasks.

And then I realized...I was actually more peaceful when faced with cancer than I am now while recovering. How can that be?

In the face of true fear, I trusted in Him. There was no question that He would lead me and that I had surrendered everything to His will. It's these little things, the day-by-day, that cause me to fall off course.

Now that I am rested and in the midst of recovery, I find myself starting to take less time for myself again. I worry about my next doctor's appointment taking too much time from my schedule. I worry about my next surgery; the crippling effect it has on everything I do. I worry about my kids; their schoolwork, their activities, and how I am going to get them from one place to another on time. Bills, work, spending time with my family. Oh! And a walk...I should fit that in too. I need to take time to exercise. Where am I in all of this?

I am here. Up early and reading the word of God. Spending some quality time reflecting...and writing. It's been two weeks since I last wrote anything other than a proposal. I can't believe it.

The thing is; nothing is bad. Life is great. I have everything to be thankful for and can bear testimony to God's healing power. But I am still human...and it's been a long week. And we all need to be constantly reminded that the only way to find calm; is when we let go.

My next surgery is scheduled for March. Next week I meet with my oncologist and my radiology oncologist. More follow-up. I don't anticipate any surprises but you never know. This cancer thing will never really be over. But it's part of me and in a way it keeps me grounded. There's a silver lining in everything.

I feel better now and I am ready for today.

God Bless Those Black-Eyed Peas

Every year my family eats black-eyed peas on New Year's Day. It's a long standing tradition and is supposed to bring luck to the upcoming year. I don't like black-eyed peas. There have been several years where I wanted to break free from this superstitious tradition but always end up making a last minute grocery run and having at least a spoonful of Hoppin' John. Even my son, who is not a fan of any kind of pea, shovels down one or two black- eyes, "just in case."

This year we decided not to eat them and actually followed through. When my son asked why were weren't having black-eyes peas, I told him this,

"Last year was a hard year for our family but we made it through it because of our faith in God. Would you rather put your faith in a black-eyed pea or in the Almighty Creator of Heaven and Earth?" 

Wide-eyed he responded, "Well that's a no brainer. God wins." He followed-up with a cheerful touchdown-type gesture. He was happy that the peas would not be on his plate this year.

I understand traditions; but I don't like black-eyed peas enough to succumb to the last minute "just in case" trip to the grocery store anymore. I have learned first hand that my blessings come from one source: God. (I don't ever remember any black-eyes peas coming to my rescue when I need them.)

God's commandments teach us to love Him before anything else and to not worship any false idols. I'm not arguing that eating black-eyes peas is a sin. I'm simply stating that when you hand over the wheel and put all your faith in Him; these little things become obsolete (and it will save you a trip to the store.) However, if you like Hoppin' John and you feel like eating them on New Year's Day, go for it. Just remember to bless your meal; for in the end, God created those cute little peas too.  As for me...
I'm now free from the pea!!

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