I prayed for God to give me words today.
I'm not yet sure I have them.
I just know that I need to write.
I've found that I have changed drastically since I was diagnosed with cancer. I think I am more incline to LIVE and EXPERIENCE life in ways that I hadn't before. I want to take on most anything that comes my way. The reality that comes with "here and now moments" is that I often look back and think, "what on earth were you thinking?" but still with each...I have no regrets.
Back in October (2012), after my family met with my breast surgeon, we stopped by the local pet shop and bought a puppy. I clearly remember picking her up and saying, "Life is short. I love her and she has to be ours. Plus, I need a new boobie...it might was well be her." I whipped out my debit card and without a second thought, we brought home a feisty 4 pound mess. We named her MaBelle Boobee (french for "my beautiful boobie.")
We were all a bit worn out - still in disbelief that we were scheduling a double mastectomy - and were fielding curious questions from two innocent hearts that didn't understand why "Mommy had to lose her pillows." Looking back, I was on an adrenaline rush...all systems go. We were just doing what we needed to do.
And on that day, part of what I needed to do was bring a bit of joy to my family. Joy in the form of a tiny "Porkie" (we renamed the yorkie-poo.) What were we thinking? A puppy just a few weeks before major surgery is a bit insane. But, MaBelle never left my side throughout my recovery. She is now hell on wheels - wakes us up every morning at 5:30am, leaves "gifts" on our carpet, and runs through the house chasing Rafae like a tornado. But man is she cute...and on many occasions she took our minds off of things that weren't so fun.
In November (2012), I got a tattoo on my forearm. I'd always wanted one - a small one (which mine is not.) I'd initially planned an infinite faith symbol. But one day I ended up designing a graphic in PowerPoint that was based on my church's logo alongside my mantra, "Walk by Faith."Jeremy Camp's song of the same title belts:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEK071gUHHg
Would I believe you when you would say, Your hand will guide my every way? Will I receive the words You say, Every moment of every day? Well I will walk by faith even when I cannot see. Well because this broken road prepares Your will for me. Help me to win my endless fears. You've been so faithful for all my years. With one breath You make me new. Your grace covers all I do. Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face. Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace. I will walk by faith.
I love my tattoo because of what it does for me. Whenever things go awry, I put my hands together to pray and I am visually reminded that I'm not in control. I surrender.
In retrospect, I should have had the artist design the piece based on my idea rather than doing it myself (and I do plan to go back and have some more work done on it...with a true artistic approach.) Hubbs was not terribly pleased. He sometimes refers to it as my prison tat...and I do understand that (we don't have to like everything that the other does - we just have to love each other.) But, the fact is that maybe it was a personal control thing. I was one week out from a double mastectomy and I wanted a constant, in-my-face reminder to pray and trust. I got it - there and then and here and now, it still works. I think he's okay with it now. :-)
Other recent "here and now moments..."
Yesterday, I gave an RG3 jersey to a 13-year old girl from Australia who is in the US with TheTruth365 spreading awareness about DIPG (a very rare and horrific, incurable brain cancer in children.) I'm not sure why I did it - I just felt compelled to have Erin feel some #HTTR love from DC. Her mum thanked me over Facebook this morning and it felt so good.
A week before my second surgery, I signed up to Head Coach my daughter's U10 field hockey team. Why? Why not.
I've come to the realization and acceptance that God designed me to sell. So I will take on a new role as the Director of BD at Unanet this week.
And more to come...
In 2 weeks, I will embark on a fly-fishing expedition with Casting for Recovery; a retreat for breast cancer survivors.
In June, I will raise money and awareness for the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life. I will also collect a few blisters as we walk the track in turns over a 24 hour period.
In July, I will do the LoziLu Women's Mud Run to benefit kiddos with cancer.
On July 19th, I will join the Board of Directors of For 3 Sisters and will personally make sure that every person I meet that has cancer or knows someone that's been diagnosed, will know that there are life-balance resources out there that will assist their journey.
