Pain is no longer the first thing I think about when I wake up. Just a few day ago, I woke up and exclaimed to my husband, "John! I slept on my side. And, it didn't hurt!" This was a big victory for me and I'm so happy to finally get a full night's rest - comfortably.
Work is keeping me busy. I was promoted to Director just before my diagnosis. And now, back on my feet, I am able to lead my team more effectively. I'm making up for lost time and exited about it.
The kids are the one area that we never stumbled. They remain on track and came away from the experiences of the Big C with a greater awareness of life's blessings (and a fast track course on breasts.) My nine year old told me the other day, "I think you look good now. I don't think you need any more expansions. You don't want to be too big." He followed up with, "Mom, I guess I know more about breasts than most nine year olds, don't I?" Yes son, you do. My daughter recently asked me if she will get cancer. Tearfully I could only say that, "Mommy had tests done that show you don't have anything in you that will make you get cancer but only God really knows your plan."
Which leads me to something I'm still struggling with...
WHY?
I have no genetic markers. I have no elevated risk factors. The type of tumors I had are typically found in post-menopausal women that are not white...what was it? And will it return?
I finally saw my radiology oncologist yesterday. I had cancelled twice. I know...bad! I was afraid that I would end up with news I didn't want to hear. After months and months of bad news, you start to feel like "what's next?" But I also haven't been to Hopkins since December and I wasn't looking forward to being reminded that I've had the big C.
So I went. The doctor confirmed that I will not have radiation right now. In his words, "Your case has some grey areas regarding reoccurrence. You are under 40. Your disease was multi-folcal. And your margins were very close - less than 1 mm. We won't deny you radiation but we feel the risks of secondary cancers outweigh the benefits. So we are biased to not do radiation." It didn't feel that great even though it was good news. I got in the car and blasted the radio to Jeremy Camp's "Walk by Faith." Let go...trust your journey, Holly!
