Holding it Together

Today was my first 1/2 day back to work. Granted, no one from work made me go back. In fact, I think they were pretty against it. But I really wanted to start pushing myself to build endurance and I know my limitation is about 2-3 hours - I can go out for about that long and then it's game-over. So I figured I could go in, put in a few hours and I would be a rockstar...I was. And I wasn't.

I cried the entire time during my shower this morning. The conversation in my head went something like this:

"How am I going to do this? I have two meetings to run. You can do this! I don't want to do this. [insert sobbing] I don't want to go! But I DO want to go! I want to be normal again! But I'm tired. Seriously, how am I going to do this? [insert more sobbing]"

I fought back tears the entire car ride to work. Thankfully, my commute is only about 12 minutes so it wasn't too bad. I warded them off by listening to my Chris Tomlin Christmas music and praying out loud for another friend that was recently diagnosed with stage 3 rectal cancer. I find that when I pray for others and stop thinking about "poor me," I gain some perspective and again realize that my battle is one of many...and I'm lucky to have a good support network and a positive prognosis.

But then I walked into the office and 

BOOM! TEARS! FLOODS OF TEARS! 

What a beautiful welcome back!
Kind of hard to hold it on at that point!

I did my two meetings and then fell apart. I cried and had my friend and co-worker help me carry my things to the car. I did it though! My goal was 10am-1:30pm and I left just before 2pm. I am so thankful that I was able to work from home the rest of the day. My cozy couch and laptop never felt so good!

Tomorrow, I will be working from home as I have a doctor's appointment mid-day. It's my first "expansion" appointment. I should be excited...women dream of the day that they walk into an office and magically grow their breasts. I am dreading it. To me, it means stretching muscle and tissue that already hurts. It means more pain. I am not looking forward to it and pray that it goes better than I expect.

*** And as for that friend I mentioned earlier, please say a special prayer for him. He has some tests coming up as well and I pray that Jehovah Rapha has His healing hands on him this week and as he begins his own journey.

James 5:13-15

Jeremiah 17:14

Job 5:18

It doesn't matter where in your body it is...CANCER SUCKS.