Finishing Touches

Eighteen months ago I was diagnosed with an aggressive case of DCIS breast cancer. Even within the breast cancer community, DCIS is often downplayed as "cancer lite" because it is non-invasive. Doctors, radiologists and fellow pink sisters have said to me, "Well, if you have cancer, that's the one you want." But I didn't feel that way. I still had cancerous cells growing in my body and I still had to endure months of tests, painful surgeries and long recoveries. I had nine cancerous tumors and they were spreading fast. Nothing about my situation felt "lite."

On November 14, 2012 I had a bi-lateral mastectomy. Some women have a nipple-sparing mastectomy. I did not. Two of my tumors were attached to the tissue of my nipple; taking the option to spare them off the table. As a result, not only did I loose my breasts but I have 3 inch scars across the horizon of my breasts. That doesn't seem "lite" to me. 

My reconstructive surgeon, Dr Cole Brown, masterfully put me back together. After my mastectomy, I had two reconstructive surgeries. One that replaced my temporary tissue expanders with permanent implants and the second that injected fat grafts into the areas where my tumors had left significant divots in my breasts. As I healed, I started to feel less frankenstein...but I was still missing nipple reconstruction. And the thought of another surgery was just too much. So I had put it aside for several months. In the end, I decided to not reconstruct my nipples with surgery. I opted to do 3D tattooing. So, it's taken over a year to be fully reconstructed. And today, I was able to finish that process.

I am so blessed to have such incredible medical resources within nearby. People fly in from all over the globe to see world-reknown 3D Nipple Tattoo Specialist, Vinnie Meyers. And now I know why.

I am whole again. I am actually beautiful. My breast are complete and these beautiful, masterfully crafted "finishing touches" are exactly what I needed to complete my journey. Not only are they perfect, but coupled with the work of my breast and plastic surgeons, I look about 98% the same as pre-mastectomy. Despite the scars, I have beautiful breasts.

When you've been through what I have, and you lose so much, you don't think you will care about the aesthetics of breast reconstruction. But you do. It's a big loss. And to be put back together, piece by piece, feel miraculous.

Thank you Jesus.
Thank you for my health.
Thank you for redirecting me.
Thank you for guiding me.
Thank you for this journey; for changing me and making me a better me.
Thank you for being a light in times of darkness.
Thank you for blessing the hands of all my surgeons and caretakers.
Thank you for giving me perspective.
Thank you for putting me back together.
In Him, I am whole.
But I am so grateful that my earthly tent is also complete.

Amen!

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,
I know that I have ignored you for several months now. It's been so long that I am not sure what to say. I have no excuses. I ignored you. And it was intentional.

You make me uneasy.

I'm sorry, counselors say that we should claim our feelings and not use "YOU" language...let me start over.

I feel uneasy around you. I feel uncomfortable. I feel frightened. I know that when we are together; you bring out my feelings. And I have been trying to be easy-breezy lately. Being with you would just hurt too much.

But I often think about you. I think about the great times we had together. Actually, they were rough times...but I was able to lean on you and let it all out. It made me feel raw, in touch, and human. I was fired up and had nothing to loose. When you are fighting an obvious battle, it is clear who the enemy is. It was you and I against my cancer-ridden body. Very clear cut.

Now it's different. My enemies are less obvious. And sometimes, it's just me against me.

Life isn't always easy breezy.
It's more 'calm before the storm', 'duck and cover', 'aftermath', and 'what's next?'.

What is next?

Sometimes you put your hands up and give it all to God.
And sometimes you just put your hands up.

I think God knows that I am really trying. But my arms are so tired.

So you see, dear Blog, I have ignored you because I am too afraid to admit that I am still suffering. I have ignored you because the therapy you provide requires a realistic acceptance that life is not easy-breezy. I am scared to digest all the things that have happened over the last few years.

And God forbid if I share that things aren't perfect.

So please forgive me. It's not you. It's me.
Maybe one day we can be friends again.

Love,
Holly

October 18th will always be, "The Day I Was Diagnosed with Breast Cancer"

How do I feel one year after

being diagnosed with breast cancer?

Tired
Empathetic

Concerned

Scared

Confused

Banged-up

AND

Relieved

Thankful

Proud

Empowered

Better
Stronger

Unbreakable
Unstoppable
Blessed

Awareness: What Does it Mean?

My first blog post was October 9, 2012. It's been a full year since this journey started. Wow!

Where to begin?

My friend starts chemo this week. She is jealous that I didn't have to do chemo or lose my hair. However, she had a nipple-sparing mastectomy and I am totally jealous of her reduced-scarring. And I have major nipple envy. It's hard to believe that two breast cancer warriors could possibly be envious of each others outcome - although both prognosis are relatively positive. The fact is that awareness goes far deeper than mammograms and self-exams. No one knows what we really go through. There are so many things that the pink ribbon doesn't tell you about breast cancer.

Nipples: Tattoo or reconstruct? Or both?

Lymphodema

Port surgery

Oncotypes, Genes and Hormones

Expanders

Fat grafting

The sad side nod people do when they say, "How are you? Or "You look great."

The neglected caregiver and the tough job they take on.

No wires/No bras

These are just a few...

I just can't seem to express how "Pinktober" makes me feel. I have been trying to formulate a witty blog-worthy response to this pink fest for 8 days now. Each time I go to put my feelings on "paper" I get upset and put my blog aside. But thankfully, just like so many other occasions this last year, I am able to rely on a survivor sister to summarize for me. Because she really nailed it. God Bless her for helping me out with some great content and sparing me another night of emotional writers block.

http://cancerinmythirties.wordpress.com/2012/10/13/national-no-bra-day-and-breast-cancer-awareness-month-or-please-put-that-pink-can-of-soup-down-put-your-bra-back-on/

My dear friends...If you really want to help, please consider making a donation to For 3 Sisters. (www.For3Sisters.com) I am proud to serve on their Board of Directors because I know exactly where the money goes...real support for local families, just like mine, during their breast cancer journey.

Shout Out to the Gold Ribbon

It's October.

It's breast cancer awareness month.

And I will be sharing my feelings on what it means to be "aware."

But before I do, I want to give a shout out to the Gold Ribbon.

Did you know that September was Childhood Cancer Awareness Month?
Did you post a yellow ribbon on your Facebook page?
Did you see any football players wearing yellow ribbons on their jersey? Probably not...but why? I thought we were all so "aware"?

The Gold Ribbon supports awareness for childhood cancers and it doesn't get a fraction of the press that the Pink Ribbon gets. And I've said it a million times before...I am an adult, I can handle God's plan for me and my breast cancer diagnosis...but if Jack or McKenna were to be diagnosed with cancer; my world would come to a screeching halt. I can't imaging anything worse than watching your child suffer. Bullying, adolescence, school, friends...they can all make a child's life difficult at times (and as parents it makes our heart ache) but the thought of my child not getting to experience any of those things because they are fighting for their life...well, that thought is just too much to bear.

The Gold Ribbon and all of the kids out there that are fighting to see tomorrow - THEY deserve more. We need to be more aware of them and what we need to do for them. So please, be aware...it's not just the "ta-ta's" that need to be saved.

www.TheTruth365.org

Cancer sucks. And the little warriors need you too. 

A Year Later: Where to Begin Again

It was just a year ago (August 4th, 2012) that I found a lump in my right breast; a finding that ultimately led to a bilateral mastectomy and a lifelong membership to the community of breast cancer survivors. It's been a long and difficult year. It's also been a year full of blessings. I lost my breasts and along the way, I found myself.

I am stronger.

I am more faithful.

I am more patient.
More importantly, my heart was prepared for a bigger battle.
I am now immersed in the cancer community.
I have signed up for heartbreak.
I have signed up for messy.
I am a warrior's warrior.
I am forever changed and there's no turning back.

Remember all the goals I set on my May 2011 post?
http://everyday-hollyday.blogspot.com/2013/05/here-and-now-moments.html
Well, I did them all!

• Casting for Recovery was an amazing experience. I met 13 other beautiful survivors, now life-long friends and I have taken up fly fishing on a near-addiction level. It quiets the soul and reminds me of the importance of patience. 
  
  
  
   
  
• Relay for Life was a very surprising experience. It was my first "survivor experience" and yet I was overwhelmed with sadness and anger. I cried during the survivor lap and was furious that I was there as a survivor instead of a participant. I was shocked by my reaction. I had no idea that I would feel that way. Fortunately, I had my husband, kids and friends by my side...holding my hand and leading me through my tears. When we went to the survivor's luncheon, I had yet another surprise when 9-year-old brain tumor warrior Gabriella Miller asked me and my family to smash walnuts with her. Talk about a reset button. What an honor to know this amazing young fighter and be by her side smashing walnuts. I snapped out of my sadness and remembered the blessing I have - I SURVIVED and am THRIVING!
  
  
  
  
  
  
• The LoziLu Mud Run was another surprising event. I stood alongside a co-worker and friend and helped her to accomplish something she had never done before. I experienced the gifts of patience and teamwork and felt so wonderful that we crossed the finish line together. Beautiful. Messy. And together!
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• And yes, I am now an official Board Member of For 3 Sisters, Inc. Diving deeper into the breast cancer community brings me a mixture of feelings. I am excited to bring resources and quality of life programs to fighters, survivors and caregivers. I am also scared of the heartache that this community endures. I am relying heavily on my personal faith in Christ to led me through this endeavor. 
  

And now, a year later, I face a new battle.

On Friday, a dear friend and sister in Christ was diagnosed with breast cancer. She stood by my side and now I will stand by hers. The timing is heart-wrenching. It's happening all over again. The initial flurry of doctors appointments. The waiting. The tests. The fear. The results. The scheduling. The unknown. It's all so surreal. The reminder that we only know what's behind us. The stark realization that our path is not in our control. Digging deep into His Word and  focusing on the acceptance of Plan A. His will. His design. Deep breathes.

The Pink Line is open. And I am on the other end.

I met with my friend Susan today. She's the one that I gave my KC&CO bracelet to on my birthday. And although she has yet to finish all of her chemotherapy (August 12th, God willing, will be her last treatment), she wanted to pass the KC&CO bracelet to my newly diagnosed friend.

And so I had the privilege of delivering the traveling bracelet to it's next survivor. A FAITHFUL WARRIOR. 

May you Keep Calm & Carry On, my dear friend!

Never forgetting that the Armor must remain.

The Armor of God

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord's people. Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should. (Ephesians 6:10-20 NIV)

Angelina and I

Most people have never heard of BRCA1 or BRCA2 genetic testing. Angelina Jolie's NY Times Op Ed piece cited that her BART (BRACAnalysis Rearrangement Test) revealed genetic mutation and a predisposed likelihood of breast cancer.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/14/opinion/my-medical-choice.html?_r=0
 
The BART, when positive for mutation, can give women that are at a higher risk of developing breast cancer some clarity with their decision to take preventative measures. Angelina Jolie's test revealed that she had an 87% chance of developing breast cancer. Therefore, she made the courageous choice to undergo a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy. Prophylactic meaning preventative. Prophylactic meaning by choice. In my opinion, it was a no brainer. She had the money and resources...why not ensure your health to the best of your ability?


When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was automatically given the option to do the first round of BRCA testing and a large portion of it was covered by my insurance. I went in the day before my mastectomy. I already knew that I had breast cancer - I wanted to know (mostly for my daughter's sake) WHY I had breast cancer.

I had to fill out a 10 page form and undergo an hour long counseling session before they would take my blood. They made me fill out liability forms and explained all my options - that I did not have to undergo the tests and that they do not always give clarity. There's actually a school of thought that is against BART altogether...some people don't want to know. And some insurance programs don't cover it. I didn't care. There was nothing stopping me. I willingly did the tests.

My BART was negative for any mutations. Which really means, I have no idea WHY I had breast cancer. It means that the BART, had I done it earlier in life, would not have changed anything about my journey. And more than anything, it means that there is no replacement for diligent self-exams, awareness and mammograms. 

If given the opportunity to take charge of your health - take it. You don't have to have $4000 to get ahead of the breast cancer game (although if you have BC in your family and can afford the BART - do it!) Just be aware of your own body. Feel it. Love it. Own it!

Have you done your monthly breast check?

Here and Now Moments

I prayed for God to give me words today.
I'm not yet sure I have them.
I just know that I need to write.

I've been thinking a lot lately about "here and now moments." These are the moments where we grasp life and let things roll. When we live in the present; it's the absolute perfect moment.

I've found that I have changed drastically since I was diagnosed with cancer. I think I am more incline to LIVE and EXPERIENCE life in ways that I hadn't before. I want to take on most anything that comes my way. The reality that comes with "here and now moments" is that I often look back and think, "what on earth were you thinking?" but still with each...I have no regrets.

Back in October (2012), after my family met with my breast surgeon, we stopped by the local pet shop and bought a puppy. I clearly remember picking her up and saying, "Life is short. I love her and she has to be ours. Plus, I need a new boobie...it might was well be her." I whipped out my debit card and without a second thought, we brought home a feisty 4 pound mess. We named her MaBelle Boobee (french for "my beautiful boobie.")

We were all a bit worn out - still in disbelief that we were scheduling a double mastectomy - and were fielding curious questions from two innocent hearts that didn't understand why "Mommy had to lose her pillows." Looking back, I was on an adrenaline rush...all systems go. We were just doing what we needed to do.

And on that day, part of what I needed to do was bring a bit of joy to my family. Joy in the form of a tiny "Porkie" (we renamed the yorkie-poo.) What were we thinking? A puppy just a few weeks before major surgery is a bit insane. But, MaBelle never left my side throughout my recovery. She is now hell on wheels - wakes us up every morning at 5:30am, leaves "gifts" on our carpet, and runs through the house chasing Rafae like a tornado. But man is she cute...and on many occasions she took our minds off of things that weren't so fun.

In November (2012), I got a tattoo on my forearm. I'd always wanted one - a small one (which mine is not.) I'd initially planned an infinite faith symbol. But one day I ended up designing a graphic in PowerPoint that was based on my church's logo alongside my mantra, "Walk by Faith."

Jeremy Camp's song of the same title belts:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEK071gUHHg

Would I believe you when you would say, Your hand will guide my every way? Will I receive the words You say, Every moment of every day? Well I will walk by faith even when I cannot see. Well because this broken road prepares Your will for me. Help me to win my endless fears. You've been so faithful for all my years. With one breath You make me new. Your grace covers all I do. Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face. Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace. I will walk by faith.

 I love my tattoo because of what it does for me. Whenever things go awry, I put my hands together to pray and I am visually reminded that I'm not in control. I surrender. 

In retrospect, I should have had the artist design the piece based on my idea rather than doing it myself (and I do plan to go back and have some more work done on it...with a true artistic approach.) Hubbs was not terribly pleased. He sometimes refers to it as my prison tat...and I do understand that (we don't have to like everything that the other does - we just have to love each other.) But, the fact is that maybe it was a personal control thing. I was one week out from a double mastectomy and I wanted a constant, in-my-face reminder to pray and trust. I got it - there and then and here and now, it still works. I think he's okay with it now. :-)

Other recent "here and now moments..."

Yesterday, I  gave an RG3 jersey to a 13-year old girl from Australia who is in the US with TheTruth365 spreading awareness about DIPG (a very rare and horrific, incurable brain cancer in children.) I'm not sure why I did it - I just felt compelled to have Erin feel some #HTTR love from DC. Her mum thanked me over Facebook this morning and it felt so good. 

A week before my second surgery, I signed up to Head Coach my daughter's U10 field hockey team. Why? Why not.

I've come to the realization and acceptance that God designed me to sell. So I will take on a new role as the Director of BD at Unanet this week. 

And more to come...

In 2 weeks, I will embark on a fly-fishing expedition with Casting for Recovery; a retreat for breast cancer survivors.

In June, I will raise money and awareness for the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life. I will also collect a few blisters as we walk the track in turns over a 24 hour period. 

In July, I will do the LoziLu Women's Mud Run to benefit kiddos with cancer. 

On July 19th, I will join the Board of Directors of For 3 Sisters and will personally make sure that every person I meet that has cancer or knows someone that's been diagnosed, will know that there are life-balance resources out there that will assist their journey. 

 

God gave me an opportunity to count and re-count my blessings. And I don't want to miss a single one!

Whew! I had more words than I thought... 

That's Just Mean

Rant begin.

So while we are chugging along with our happy PLAN A; the world around us seems to be falling apart with hatred. It's been a sad week and all of our hearts have been heavy. I wholeheartedly believe that God has PLAN A all mapped out. He has his reasons for the storms that come but still...some days are harder than others. On some days, PLAN A seemingly sucks.

Boston Marathon Bombing. Ricin Letters. Texas Plant Explosion.

And all we can do is pray.
Pray. Pray. And Pray More!

But when the mean is on our own street...we can do something. When bad behavior strikes...we need to strike back. I plead with you, my friends...watch your children. Communicate with them. Watch their friends. Don't sit back and let things slide.

Example: My children came to me and told me that a kid down the street (who is 9 years old) had called another friend (a 10 year old girl) fat and that he told her that she needed to go on the biggest loser. My kids were uncomfortable about it and told me because they knew it was wrong and mean. (Go kiddos!)

Well, I waited for that kid at the bus stop today and had a little chat with him. It went something like this:

"Is it true that you called _______ fat and said she should go on the biggest loser?"
- Yes. But I thought I was just being funny.
"Well it wasn't funny at all. It was mean. And I have no tolerance for mean around here." (Meaning on MY street!)
- Well, she fell on me and...it was just...
"It doesn't matter. There are no excuses. How would you feel if someone made fun of the way you looked or the way you acted? How would that make you feel?
- Angry. And sad.
"That's how you made her feel. And Jack and McKenna didn't like being around it and they told me because they didn't know what to do."
- Oh
"Do you watch tv?"
- Some.
"Watch the news sometime. There are a lot of mean and hateful people in this world. I don't think you really want to be one of them. Do you?"
- No. It was wrong. Can I tell her I'm sorry?
"She doesn't live here. So, what should you do?"
- I can write her a letter.
"That's a good idea. And no more mean. Got it?
- Yes.

An apology letter was delivered to our door within a half hour. And that little girl got the apology she deserved.

Stop the mean while it's young. Don't let it harvest. Don't be afraid that some other parent is gonna call you out for teaching their kid some darn manners. Consciously parent, teach kindness and be a positive example so that things like the Boston bombing and crazy Ricin postal deliveries have a decreased chance of happening in the first place.

Rant complete.

Keep Calm and Carry On with Plan A

This year, our brownie troop chose For 3 Sisters as their cookie charity. We donated almost 100 boxes to the charity that has been such a godsend to me. It was very personal and so exciting that we could give back.

And today was the big day to present the cookies to the organization. The Pink Fireman was set to visit the girls and we were going to deliver all the cookies. We had a pink ribbon cake, we made cards and we set-up a table of items from my 3-Day Walk to share with the girls. The Pink Fireman was coming and we were all so excited.

Life happens.

And sadly, death happens.

One of our breast cancer warriors lost her battle this week and today she was laid to rest. She was 29 years old. She was a brave young woman and a known face of advocacy for the Susan G. Komen cause. She had many friends and supporters...one of them being the Pink Fireman. So, at the last minute, The Pink Fireman couldn't make it to our event. He was at our dear warrior's funeral; he and his pink angel wings were needed somewhere else.

So what do you do with 20 girls and 10 parents...
All waiting for the Pink Fireman? 

Look to Plan B? 

Well y'all know how I feel about Plan B.

So I spoke to the girls. I shared my story of briefly meeting the Pink Fireman at the 2011 3-Day Walk. I shared how I called on him a year later when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I shared how amazing For 3 Sisters has been for me - the resources, love and support they have provided. I answered questions about breast cancer and then I thanked the girls for their hard work in selling cookies and donating them to this fantastic organization that means so much to me. I also asked them to remind their moms to always go to their doctors and to keep healthy. And when they grow up, they need to do the same. Thankfully, I have the gift of gab and it all seemed to go okay.

Here's the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5D52rAQMH_Q

Then I told them the news...that The Pink Fireman had an emergency and wasn't going to make it to our event. I told them that he was with a family of someone with breast cancer and they needed him more than we did today. 

I then reminded the girls that when I found out on October 18, 2012 that I had breast cancer; I wasn't prepared. It wasn't something that me or my family had planned on. And, that's how life works. We can try to plan and plan and plan but sometimes things just don't go the way we expect. And rather than trying to control it, we have to accept it...and celebrate life no matter what path it leads us on. So I asked the girls to celebrate - to celebrate their accomplishments and have a great party anyway. So, they ate the pink ribbon cake and had chocolate covered strawberries and finished their cards for the Pink Fireman.

And no one was sad because we chose to be happy.

No one except the Pink Fireman, who felt terrible.  

No need, my friend.

You see, The Pink Fireman might be an amazingly compassionate icon of the breast cancer community but he's also just a guy. His name is Marshall Moneymaker. He lost his 3 sisters to breast cancer - a horrific situation - and yet he spends every day working to educate women on early detection. He makes his rounds celebrating survivors, visiting with warriors and honoring those that lost the battle. He extends himself to the people that need him and he's really good at it. But he's still just a guy...not superman (although we think so!)...and he can't be in two places at once. And it's all okay because today we tried to do what he does everyday.

Make the most of the unexpected.

Make it work for the good.

Teach a life lesson.

You know why? 

Because there's no "Plan B."

Today WAS "Plan A."

God doesn't make mistakes. 

I got in the car and cried after it was all said and done. Not because it didn't go as planned...but because I have finally learned to make the best of things in a way I couldn't before I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The old Holly would have had a total panic attack. I would have been a mess.

Cancer sucks...but life doesn't. 

And, I thank God every day that cancer taught me to 
Accept Plan A and celebrate it.
What's the point of "Keep Calm" if we don't?

One of THOSE Days

Our 1st Field Hockey scrimmage was fantastic - my Fierce Fireballs played their hearts out and my very own McKenna scored the first goal of the season!

Jack's football team won by a landslide (he personally had 4 touchdowns including a pick-six.)

I got my nails done.

The kids played with their friends outside in the warm sun.

My husband went to Sam's Club and stocked our pantry, fridge and freezers and then made us all a fantastic dinner.

Both kids had a friend over for a sleepover. We all watched a great movie together and ate some popcorn.

All the kids went right to sleep and now we are nestled in too.

Yes. Today was one of THOSE days...the kind of day that I drop to my knees and thank God for being so incredibly blessed.

FDA Approves Gummy Bears!! (TMI for Little Eyes...)

Feeling strong. Looking great. So thrilled to have surgery #2 behind me.

The FDA just approved the Allergan 410 teardrop implants (Aka "Gummy Bears") a few weeks ago and I am the lucky recipient of these highly sought after new implants. They are a great size and are shaped very naturally. I'm thrilled.

When you have a mastectomy, there are uneven areas in your breasts from where the tumors were cut out. In order to even things out, Dr. Brown harvested fat from my abdomen and filled those areas in my breasts. It looks incredible. I had a spot on my chest wall that was totally indented - now it's full and scar-free. It's a miracle!!

Mastectomy? You ain't got nothing on me! It's bikini time!! I hope I can shed a ray hope for other survivors. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Normal awaits you!!

Humph

Surgery #2 is just around the corner and I'm not really looking forward to it.

Yes, it will be nice to have it behind me. And yes, I am excited to get back to a normal sleep pattern - without sharp pains or pillows all around me to keep me from rolling on my side. And of course, it will be great to get rid of the rocks and replace them with what my kids call, "squishy boobies."

But surgery...again...ugh!

I've been praying and my nerves are fine. I'm just not looking forward to going through this process again. I'm hopeful for a speedy recovery and THANKFUL that the worst is behind me.

Birthday Blessings...Passing the Bracelet

A few days after I was diagnosed with breast cancer, my Pink Sister Karin gave me her KC&CO (Keep Calm & Carry On) "travelling" bracelet. She and 4 other survivors wore it before me. She told me that I could wear it as long as I needed it and that it's purpose was to bring hope and positive inspiration. It was also meant to remind me that throughout my journey, I would never be alone. She only asked that when I felt ready I would return it to her so she could pass it along to another BC warrior. It has been very special to me.

About a week ago, the bracelet fell off on it's own. I actually thought it might be a sign that I was ready to give the bracelet back. I put it aside for safe keeping.

A few days later I met a woman at the doctor's office who had just been diagnosed. I mentioned her in my last post. We've continued to talk as she prepares for her surgery next week.

Today is my 39th birthday and I couldn't think of a better gift than to pass this special bracelet the next soon-to-be-Survivor. So, my new friend and I had lunch today and I passed the bracelet to her. She will have her surgery in a week and will begin chemotherapy shortly after that. And although I still have more surgery ahead, I knew in my heart that I wanted to share the strength that wearing the "travelling" bracelet gave me. And it was time. Because as she begins her journey, I am healing.

Passing the bracelet is a big milestone for me. It means I feel okay. And that is the best birthday wish I could ask for! 

I'm the Pink Friend Now

I went in for my final expansion today. In the lobby of the doctor's office, I met a woman that had just been diagnosed with the Big C last week. She was there for her initial reconstructive surgery consultation.

I overheard her coordinating surgery schedules with her breast surgeon and felt an overwhelming desire to connect with her. So hoping to not sound intrusive, I told her that I had the same surgical team and that she was in good hands. She immediately asked if she could call me. I told her of course. She then said, "Can I call you today?"

It reminded me of when I reached out to Karin and Lara. I didn't know them but I knew I needed them.

My new friend and I spoke this afternoon for about a half hour. She didn't have any survivor resources...until now. Now, I'm HER "Pink Line" and it really feels good to give back.

So I'm sending a special prayer to Susan. May God heal you and be with you as you begin your journey and may He help me to be a resourceful Pink friend to you!

The Dust Has Settled...Right?

Pain is no longer the first thing I think about when I wake up. Just a few day ago, I woke up and exclaimed to my husband, "John! I slept on my side. And, it didn't hurt!" This was a big victory for me and I'm so happy to finally get a full night's rest - comfortably.

Work is keeping me busy. I was promoted to Director just before my diagnosis. And now, back on my feet, I am able to lead my team more effectively. I'm making up for lost time and exited about it.

The kids are the one area that we never stumbled. They remain on track and came away from the experiences of the Big C with a greater awareness of life's blessings (and a fast track course on breasts.) My nine year old told me the other day, "I think you look good now. I don't think you need any more expansions. You don't want to be too big." He followed up with, "Mom, I guess I know more about breasts than most nine year olds, don't I?" Yes son, you do. My daughter recently asked me if she will get cancer. Tearfully I could only say that, "Mommy had tests done that show you don't have anything in you that will make you get cancer but only God really knows your plan."

Which leads me to something I'm still struggling with...

WHY?

I have no genetic markers. I have no elevated risk factors. The type of tumors I had are typically found in post-menopausal women that are not white...what was it? And will it return?

I finally saw my radiology oncologist yesterday. I had cancelled twice. I know...bad! I was afraid that I would end up with news I didn't want to hear. After months and months of bad news, you start to feel like "what's next?" But I also haven't been to Hopkins since December and I wasn't looking forward to being reminded that I've had the big C.

So I went. The doctor confirmed that I will not have radiation right now. In his words, "Your case has some grey areas regarding reoccurrence. You are under 40. Your disease was multi-folcal. And your margins were very close - less than 1 mm. We won't deny you radiation but we feel the risks of secondary cancers outweigh the benefits. So we are biased to not do radiation." It didn't feel that great even though it was good news. I got in the car and blasted the radio to Jeremy Camp's "Walk by Faith." Let go...trust your journey, Holly!

Just Be A Child

"Just be a child. A child never questions plans. It accepts gladly....Do not plan ahead, the way will unfold step by step. Leave tomorrow's burden. Christ is the great Burden-bearer You cannot bear his load and he only expects you to carry a little day-share...Hope on. Hope gladly. Hope with certainty. Be calm in my power...Life with me is not immunity from difficulties, but peace in difficulties...Joy is the result of faithful trusting acceptance of my will, when it seems not joyous."

- God Calling; A Devotional Diary (AJ Russell)

 I needed these words this morning. I've been plagued by a stressful week. Busy at work. Bust at home. Restless nights. Unable to ground myself in calm. Trying to take deep breathes between my next of many tasks.

And then I realized...I was actually more peaceful when faced with cancer than I am now while recovering. How can that be?

In the face of true fear, I trusted in Him. There was no question that He would lead me and that I had surrendered everything to His will. It's these little things, the day-by-day, that cause me to fall off course.

Now that I am rested and in the midst of recovery, I find myself starting to take less time for myself again. I worry about my next doctor's appointment taking too much time from my schedule. I worry about my next surgery; the crippling effect it has on everything I do. I worry about my kids; their schoolwork, their activities, and how I am going to get them from one place to another on time. Bills, work, spending time with my family. Oh! And a walk...I should fit that in too. I need to take time to exercise. Where am I in all of this?

I am here. Up early and reading the word of God. Spending some quality time reflecting...and writing. It's been two weeks since I last wrote anything other than a proposal. I can't believe it.

The thing is; nothing is bad. Life is great. I have everything to be thankful for and can bear testimony to God's healing power. But I am still human...and it's been a long week. And we all need to be constantly reminded that the only way to find calm; is when we let go.

My next surgery is scheduled for March. Next week I meet with my oncologist and my radiology oncologist. More follow-up. I don't anticipate any surprises but you never know. This cancer thing will never really be over. But it's part of me and in a way it keeps me grounded. There's a silver lining in everything.

I feel better now and I am ready for today.

God Bless Those Black-Eyed Peas

Every year my family eats black-eyed peas on New Year's Day. It's a long standing tradition and is supposed to bring luck to the upcoming year. I don't like black-eyed peas. There have been several years where I wanted to break free from this superstitious tradition but always end up making a last minute grocery run and having at least a spoonful of Hoppin' John. Even my son, who is not a fan of any kind of pea, shovels down one or two black- eyes, "just in case."

This year we decided not to eat them and actually followed through. When my son asked why were weren't having black-eyes peas, I told him this,

"Last year was a hard year for our family but we made it through it because of our faith in God. Would you rather put your faith in a black-eyed pea or in the Almighty Creator of Heaven and Earth?" 

Wide-eyed he responded, "Well that's a no brainer. God wins." He followed-up with a cheerful touchdown-type gesture. He was happy that the peas would not be on his plate this year.

I understand traditions; but I don't like black-eyed peas enough to succumb to the last minute "just in case" trip to the grocery store anymore. I have learned first hand that my blessings come from one source: God. (I don't ever remember any black-eyes peas coming to my rescue when I need them.)

God's commandments teach us to love Him before anything else and to not worship any false idols. I'm not arguing that eating black-eyes peas is a sin. I'm simply stating that when you hand over the wheel and put all your faith in Him; these little things become obsolete (and it will save you a trip to the store.) However, if you like Hoppin' John and you feel like eating them on New Year's Day, go for it. Just remember to bless your meal; for in the end, God created those cute little peas too.  As for me...
I'm now free from the pea!!

Survivor Story

I'm so honored and thankful to be For 3 Sisters...

Click Here to Read My Story

2012: It's a Wrap

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."

Mourned a miscarriage and carried on.
Fought a custody battle and won.
Diagnosed with breast cancer and survived.

I will GLADLY welcome a new year!

Bring on 2013!