Dear Blog,
I know that I have ignored you for several months now. It's been so long that I am not sure what to say. I have no excuses. I ignored you. And it was intentional.
You make me uneasy.
I'm sorry, counselors say that we should claim our feelings and not use "YOU" language...let me start over.
I feel uneasy around you. I feel uncomfortable. I feel frightened. I know that when we are together; you bring out my feelings. And I have been trying to be easy-breezy lately. Being with you would just hurt too much.
But I often think about you. I think about the great times we had together. Actually, they were rough times...but I was able to lean on you and let it all out. It made me feel raw, in touch, and human. I was fired up and had nothing to loose. When you are fighting an obvious battle, it is clear who the enemy is. It was you and I against my cancer-ridden body. Very clear cut.
Now it's different. My enemies are less obvious. And sometimes, it's just me against me.
Life isn't always easy breezy.
It's more 'calm before the storm', 'duck and cover', 'aftermath', and 'what's next?'.
What is next?
Sometimes you put your hands up and give it all to God.
And sometimes you just put your hands up.
I think God knows that I am really trying. But my arms are so tired.
So you see, dear Blog, I have ignored you because I am too afraid to admit that I am still suffering. I have ignored you because the therapy you provide requires a realistic acceptance that life is not easy-breezy. I am scared to digest all the things that have happened over the last few years.
And God forbid if I share that things aren't perfect.
So please forgive me. It's not you. It's me.
Maybe one day we can be friends again.
Love,
Holly
