Finishing Touches

Eighteen months ago I was diagnosed with an aggressive case of DCIS breast cancer. Even within the breast cancer community, DCIS is often downplayed as "cancer lite" because it is non-invasive. Doctors, radiologists and fellow pink sisters have said to me, "Well, if you have cancer, that's the one you want." But I didn't feel that way. I still had cancerous cells growing in my body and I still had to endure months of tests, painful surgeries and long recoveries. I had nine cancerous tumors and they were spreading fast. Nothing about my situation felt "lite."

On November 14, 2012 I had a bi-lateral mastectomy. Some women have a nipple-sparing mastectomy. I did not. Two of my tumors were attached to the tissue of my nipple; taking the option to spare them off the table. As a result, not only did I loose my breasts but I have 3 inch scars across the horizon of my breasts. That doesn't seem "lite" to me. 

My reconstructive surgeon, Dr Cole Brown, masterfully put me back together. After my mastectomy, I had two reconstructive surgeries. One that replaced my temporary tissue expanders with permanent implants and the second that injected fat grafts into the areas where my tumors had left significant divots in my breasts. As I healed, I started to feel less frankenstein...but I was still missing nipple reconstruction. And the thought of another surgery was just too much. So I had put it aside for several months. In the end, I decided to not reconstruct my nipples with surgery. I opted to do 3D tattooing. So, it's taken over a year to be fully reconstructed. And today, I was able to finish that process.

I am so blessed to have such incredible medical resources within nearby. People fly in from all over the globe to see world-reknown 3D Nipple Tattoo Specialist, Vinnie Meyers. And now I know why.

I am whole again. I am actually beautiful. My breast are complete and these beautiful, masterfully crafted "finishing touches" are exactly what I needed to complete my journey. Not only are they perfect, but coupled with the work of my breast and plastic surgeons, I look about 98% the same as pre-mastectomy. Despite the scars, I have beautiful breasts.

When you've been through what I have, and you lose so much, you don't think you will care about the aesthetics of breast reconstruction. But you do. It's a big loss. And to be put back together, piece by piece, feel miraculous.

Thank you Jesus.
Thank you for my health.
Thank you for redirecting me.
Thank you for guiding me.
Thank you for this journey; for changing me and making me a better me.
Thank you for being a light in times of darkness.
Thank you for blessing the hands of all my surgeons and caretakers.
Thank you for giving me perspective.
Thank you for putting me back together.
In Him, I am whole.
But I am so grateful that my earthly tent is also complete.

Amen!

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,
I know that I have ignored you for several months now. It's been so long that I am not sure what to say. I have no excuses. I ignored you. And it was intentional.

You make me uneasy.

I'm sorry, counselors say that we should claim our feelings and not use "YOU" language...let me start over.

I feel uneasy around you. I feel uncomfortable. I feel frightened. I know that when we are together; you bring out my feelings. And I have been trying to be easy-breezy lately. Being with you would just hurt too much.

But I often think about you. I think about the great times we had together. Actually, they were rough times...but I was able to lean on you and let it all out. It made me feel raw, in touch, and human. I was fired up and had nothing to loose. When you are fighting an obvious battle, it is clear who the enemy is. It was you and I against my cancer-ridden body. Very clear cut.

Now it's different. My enemies are less obvious. And sometimes, it's just me against me.

Life isn't always easy breezy.
It's more 'calm before the storm', 'duck and cover', 'aftermath', and 'what's next?'.

What is next?

Sometimes you put your hands up and give it all to God.
And sometimes you just put your hands up.

I think God knows that I am really trying. But my arms are so tired.

So you see, dear Blog, I have ignored you because I am too afraid to admit that I am still suffering. I have ignored you because the therapy you provide requires a realistic acceptance that life is not easy-breezy. I am scared to digest all the things that have happened over the last few years.

And God forbid if I share that things aren't perfect.

So please forgive me. It's not you. It's me.
Maybe one day we can be friends again.

Love,
Holly