2012: It's a Wrap

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."

Mourned a miscarriage and carried on.
Fought a custody battle and won.
Diagnosed with breast cancer and survived.

I will GLADLY welcome a new year!

Bring on 2013!

What Just Happened?

I've been taking a blog break. I'm actually struggling, even now, to find the right words to express how I'm feeling. I have to be honest: this week (emotionally) has been the hardest yet. I'm coming out of the fog of the last few weeks; maybe months and realizing what's happened. Some parts are a blur. And some (like the painful reality of a cancer diagnosis) are so vivid you want to forget them.

I've decided to hold off on any further tissue expansions until after the New Year. I've pushed myself pretty hard through this recovery and I need a break. My body has had enough and I'm starting to enjoy clarity of mind again at work. I just want to enjoy the holidays with my husband and my beautiful children without thinking about my next steps to becoming whole again. I have been greatly blessed. My family. My friends. My positive prognosis. But this hasn't been easy and there's more to come. I want to hit "pause" just for a bit.

I do want to thank all of our family and friends who have prayed, sent kind words, brought dinners, visited, called and supported us. Having to jump back into reality has made me slow on my thank you notes but please know that you are all greatly appreciated. Your support has been a blessing.

Finally (for now) as all of our hearts weep for the families in Connecticut. Those beautiful children and brave teachers. Lost lives. Unexplainable horror. It makes my experience seem like nothing. Please continue your prayers for them.

For 3 Sisters

Anyone that has ever done a Susan G Komen or Avon Walk has met or at least noticed "The Pink Fireman," Marshall Moneymaker. I met him briefly last year when my team did the 60-mile/3day for SGK. 

 

Marshall lost three sisters in one year to breast cancer. As a result of this painful loss, he and his wife Shannon, founded For 3 Sisters to:

 "Celebrate, support, and fight for every person who has won the battle, lost the fight, is still fighting, or still has to face the war that is cancer. For 3 Sisters is committed to providing  information about, and access to resources (of all kinds), and raises awareness about breast cancer through community outreach programs. For 3 Sisters is dedicated to providing support and encouragement to the breast cancer community in any way we can."

Following my horribly painful expansion on Thursday, I had the privilege of having lunch Shannon Moneymaker. We chatted, laughed...and I teared up a bit when she started talking about the resources available to me as a breast cancer survivor. 

To me, I have battled what I call, "Cancer Lite" (no chemo, no radiation.) I feel lucky. But there are days when I say it out loud, "I am a cancer person now," and I get upset. This has changed me forever. Because I get to avoid chemo and radiation (Thank God), I have tried to internally downplay my experience. But, the fact is, I hurt every day. And I will continue to hurt throughout the reconstruction process. There are many things I simply can not do. But I feel like I can and should take the hits (the hurt)...because I got lucky and found things early. I didn't feel worthy of the resources available to me. And then I meet Shannon - and she made me feel legitimate and worthy. She made me realize that my journey is unique - they all are - but it's still a journey and I am still a breast cancer fighter and survivor.  

Shannon made me promise that I would let her help me and my family. I agreed on the condition that I could give back to their wonderful cause. So this is the first part of that promise. I want to help spread awareness of this wonderful organization. 

So, if you know anyone in need of help. Someone fighting cancer (any cancer); reach out to For 3 Sisters. The resources that are available are amazing and their website doesn't do it justice. They have helped men and women subsidize insurance payments, helped send families on vacation (because all their money goes to doctor bills), sent resources to do yard work and house cleaning (you can't do any of this while going through this process); you name it. 

Marshall endured a horrific experience by losing 3 sisters to breast cancer but he turned it into something wonderful. He's a recognized figure in the breast cancer community. He and Shannon continue to support, uplift and encourage others. I don't know their faith but I can't think of anything more Christian than that kind of attitude and act. I am proud to now know them personally and will continue to do my part in spreading the word.

Thank you Shannon and Marshall!

www.for3sisters.com

Brownie Songs: Make New Friends...

If you were ever in the girls scouts, you'd know and remember the song, "Make New Friends." It goes like this:

Make new friends, but keep the old.
One is silver, the other is gold.

A circle is round,  it has no end.
That's how long, I will be your friend.

A fire burns bright, it warms the heart.
We've been friends, from the very start.

You have one hand, I have the other.
Put them together

We have each other.

Silver is precious. Gold is too.
I am precious, and so are you.

You help me, and I'll help you
and together we will see it through.

The sky is blue. The Earth is green
I can help to keep it clean

Across the land, Across the sea
Friends forever, We will always be.

Last night we celebrated the birthday of my dearest (we REFUSE to say oldest) friend of 35 years.  35 years! We met when we were 4! We have slipped in and out of each others lives...but have always kept a place held in each others heart. She is the children's minister that I referred to in an earlier post (Day One: The Big C). She's magically reappeared just at the right time and I love her for that. That's just the way we are and have been for 35 years. She's gold.

And then my next dearest (definition=oldest) best friend of 32 years who recently moved clear across the US to California. She has ALWAYS been there for me. I totally cherish her. I got a card in the mail from her yesterday. Not a stock Christmas card. A card just for me. The front read:

"Good friends are like stars. You don't always see them, but you know they are always there..."

She's gold too.

Then I think of the friendships I've gathered, cherished and nurtured over the years. I have some amazing friends. They are the "sisters" I never had, the "call in the middle of the night friends," my Sisters in Christ. And now a network of breast cancer survivors and fighters that I hold close to my heart. They are all gold too.

I am blessed.

GR8HEALER Was Taken

Gearing up for expansion #2 on Thursday. I'm nervous because it's been a bad week with lots of pain. I took a pretty hefty spill down a full flight of stairs on Sunday night so I have been nursing a sore back, shoulders and left ankle...as well as the pain I'd already had. 

With that said, I know Friday morning (DAE - "Day After Expansion") probably won't be too much fun. But I can deal with it. Just knowing that the cancer is out of my body is AWESOME! 

Also, I got my genetic tests back yesterday (BRCA1 and BRCA2) and they were both negative. That means that I do not carry the genetic mutations for hereditary breast or ovarian cancer (HBOC). 

BRACAnalysis is a genetic test to find out if you have a BRCA1 or BRCA2 mutation that increases cancer risk...Knowing the results may make a world of difference , by empowering you and your doctor to take steps to reduce your further risk of breast and ovarian cancer. (www.MyriadTests.com) 

What that REALLY means are three things:

1. We don't have any scientific or clear reason that I have breast cancer at such a young age...but as I always say, there's no Plan B...so that's okay.
2. I get to keep my ovaries!
3. McKenna and other women in my family don't have an elevated chance of facing this horrible disease due to my genetics. That is a huge relief!

So, one other fun item...My new license tag should be arriving in the next few days. 

“I am the Alpha and the Omega—the beginning and the end,”  says the Lord God. “I am the one who is, who always was, and who is still to come—the Almighty One.” 

(Revelation 1:8 NLT)

Rejoice!!!

Best Christmas Present EVER!

It's a very PINK Christmas 

in our home this year!

No Radiation.

No Chemo.

Visit my oncologist in 6 months.

Heal and carry on with reconstruction! 

PRAISE JEHOVAH RAPHA;

the Lord who heals!

"Oh Lord my God, 

I called to you for help 

and you healed me." Psalm 30:2  

And thank you to my brilliant medical team:

Dr. Pamela Wright and Dr. Coleman Brown 

May God Bless You and Yours!

You haven't heard the last of me...more to come. This is just the beginning of my duty to make Everyday a Hollyday!

Visuals and Videos: How We Live

The expansion was a breeze - at first. I went right back to work and actually felt better than I had in days. Plus, the "fear factor" had dissolved. I now know what to expect. I found this video on YouTube of an expansion. This is not me (although we did video mine) however it will give you an idea of the process. It's totally bizarre. PLEASE BE ADVISED, this content is not suitable for all viewers. It is medically graphic. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQ8-f7F9BdI

Although I felt fantastic right after the expansion, yesterday I felt like I'd been to an internal chest yoga class followed by kickboxing (and I was the punching bag.) I worked from home and took it easy. Honestly, I still really hurt. Day by day...that's all I can do. 

Today I see my surgeon to discuss radiation. Fingers crossed for positive news and prayers are welcomed!

Fun Stuff: How We've Lived
In the meantime, I made video essay of the last few months - before, during and after my diagnosis of "The Big C" and my double mastectomy. As you will see, it's all about how you live and who's holding your hand along the way. I'm a fighter and a survivor! This was fun to make!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKw_Dtwt9IE

Please feel free to post comments! Those are fun to read too. 

Holding it Together

Today was my first 1/2 day back to work. Granted, no one from work made me go back. In fact, I think they were pretty against it. But I really wanted to start pushing myself to build endurance and I know my limitation is about 2-3 hours - I can go out for about that long and then it's game-over. So I figured I could go in, put in a few hours and I would be a rockstar...I was. And I wasn't.

I cried the entire time during my shower this morning. The conversation in my head went something like this:

"How am I going to do this? I have two meetings to run. You can do this! I don't want to do this. [insert sobbing] I don't want to go! But I DO want to go! I want to be normal again! But I'm tired. Seriously, how am I going to do this? [insert more sobbing]"

I fought back tears the entire car ride to work. Thankfully, my commute is only about 12 minutes so it wasn't too bad. I warded them off by listening to my Chris Tomlin Christmas music and praying out loud for another friend that was recently diagnosed with stage 3 rectal cancer. I find that when I pray for others and stop thinking about "poor me," I gain some perspective and again realize that my battle is one of many...and I'm lucky to have a good support network and a positive prognosis.

But then I walked into the office and 

BOOM! TEARS! FLOODS OF TEARS! 

What a beautiful welcome back!
Kind of hard to hold it on at that point!

I did my two meetings and then fell apart. I cried and had my friend and co-worker help me carry my things to the car. I did it though! My goal was 10am-1:30pm and I left just before 2pm. I am so thankful that I was able to work from home the rest of the day. My cozy couch and laptop never felt so good!

Tomorrow, I will be working from home as I have a doctor's appointment mid-day. It's my first "expansion" appointment. I should be excited...women dream of the day that they walk into an office and magically grow their breasts. I am dreading it. To me, it means stretching muscle and tissue that already hurts. It means more pain. I am not looking forward to it and pray that it goes better than I expect.

*** And as for that friend I mentioned earlier, please say a special prayer for him. He has some tests coming up as well and I pray that Jehovah Rapha has His healing hands on him this week and as he begins his own journey.

James 5:13-15

Jeremiah 17:14

Job 5:18

It doesn't matter where in your body it is...CANCER SUCKS.